In my feelings

Writing is a passion for me, a release really. It allows me to breathe, all of my invading thoughts and flooding emotions are too much to bare at times. Writing takes the edge off. Just like if you have sore muscles and soak in a hot bath, it takes the edge off but you still feel it.

Today is one of those days, and I think it helped me realize what I could really write about and really help others with. I want to be a person that is strong enough to stay planted when others cannot. Being someone that makes a difference for the better. Marriage and family and everything that is connected within it are two of the hardest things in life to accomplish in way that makes you feel successful at it.

These are topics that most find personal and best kept to ourselves, I used to be one of these people until today. Today, I spent time online researching and reading poems about the things on my mind, sometimes it feels good to see others can relate to your situations and circumstances. Not that I wish the same on another but knowing you are not the only one can really relax a person or drive them insane. I want to offer that here in my writings, I want to show that you are not alone and we all have our struggles that we hold inside convincing ourselves we are the only ones who know what it is like.

This is where I can be helpful, I’m going to do something I have never done. I am going to open up about the cold hard truth of marriage and family and how is feels to be a part of such things in this day of our lives.

Today mostly is just self reflection, feeling the shooting pain of old scars like arthritic joints in winter. At this point in time my marriage is working on the upswing but the key word there is upswing. There are many things I want to share and discuss in hopes that others will know they can get through it too and claim their upswing. Rather that is with their spouse or not. Once you get through the time at hand I cant promise you wont be left with scars, I surely have many of my own. Some I created due to not being perfect myself, none of us are and other scars I wear as a reminder that at the point in time I was not good enough.

I want to make one thing very clear and this is still something I am working on believing myself, I know it to be true logically but emotionally its a hard concept to grasp. Emotions can cause more problems than they resolve but they are necessary to achieve happiness, wisdom, and survival. Just remember and say it to yourself if you need to, THEIR perception does not define you. Their perception does mean you are not good enough. You are simply not good enough for THEM and that is their loss. Know your own worth, know who you really are, continue to love and continue to push forward. There are others that will love every ounce of you good and bad.

Marriage, family, in laws, children, communication, being a wife, motherhood, loyalty, honesty, deception and more taboo topics will become common here. Honestly, Marriage can feel like the loneliest thing you have ever done. Not everyone is meant to be a wife, a husband, a mother or a father and that’s ok but that is no right to hurt another due to your own limitations.

One of the hardest concepts to grasp is that someone can love you and still rip your heart out and stomp on it repeatedly, its called the hierarchy of needs. It is biologically coded in each of us to be selfish and put ourselves first. I guess some of us are glitches or malfunctions because there are those of us that go against nature in this way and put everyone else above ourselves and then you end up writing about it to help warn others that not being selfish can have consequences. Now that is some mind blowing shit. Complete bull shit if you ask me. Then when we become cold and reserved to protect ourselves from ourselves and others it is some how still our fault. It is very true when they say the realest people go through the most hurt.

People don’t understand the true extent of our interconnectedness. What you do to someone affects them in ways that will affect another rather it is good or bad. We are all hung up on ourselves but in reality everything you do affects another, the things I do affects another.

Humans are social creatures and need companionship either through friends, family, or love. However, when we lack the companionship and support we need we stop caring about how we affect others and focus on finding our happiness. Finding peace of mind within yourself and in no way am I pointing fingers. These things often happen without realizing it even though you logically know your actions or words will impacts another’s life for life.

I sincerely want to discuss family and what its like to try and be part of a new one that does not believe you are good enough to be there. I am going to discuss how it feels to leave a home that didn’t want you just to re enter into a new one that does not accept you either. Many people are born to lead a miserable life and I don’t mean in the since that its their purpose but simply the cards they were dealt by the ones bringing them in and by the ones they choose to fight for in hopes of regaining what was never given at birth. All anyone wants is to be loved, accepted, appreciated, supported, and needed.

You see, we do not choose to be born, we do not choose to have a broken home, and we do not choose the way we are treated and raised when we are brought into the world. Once we are here we are at the sole mercy of our PARENTS. Family is something I believe we all long for and deserve but not everyone is blessed enough to have it.

I came from a broken home, a miserable home. At seventeen I left and never looked back. I have one failed marriage on my belt and I feel as though I am failing another. You know they say it takes two to make it work and yes this does stand true but that means it only takes one of the two to ruin things. Could be either part at different times or the same time, the bottom line is it only takes one to make it not work like two. That seems to be the part people forget when they start blaming.

If there is anything anyone would like to see discussed don’t hesitate to reach out.